Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
and she was petting her beer can
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There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
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Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize