i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize