I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
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He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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