i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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