then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
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