Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
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i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
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Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize