Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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