I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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