and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
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Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
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I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
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