i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
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She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
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Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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