the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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