Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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