i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
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and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize