So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
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He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
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I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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