Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
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there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
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my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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