nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
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Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
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I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
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