I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
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I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
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Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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