that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
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