i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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