dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
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Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
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We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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