im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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