It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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