I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Where is the hickey?
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
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