I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
That reminds me...we need to get swords
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the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
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I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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