I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize