four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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