That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
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Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
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So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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