woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
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Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
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You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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