I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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