As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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