the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
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I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
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One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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