Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
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Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
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She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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