Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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