and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize