i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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