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I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
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