I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
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He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
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She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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