proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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