Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
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But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
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but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I know her cup size but not her name....
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