You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
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he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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