I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
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it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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