I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
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You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
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He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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