I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize