we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my liver is dry heaving
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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