So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
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What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
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