I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
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New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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