Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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