I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
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why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
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I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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