as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
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Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
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She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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