he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
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I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
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Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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